i had a rough morning. i really miss having a best friend and confidante to talk to, be with and just run around with. i really miss Chris and im trying my hardest just to deal with suppressing my emotions. work is helping, although i drink more coffee than i ever should....

ill post pictures of the AT hike, the shore, work (yes work) soon. i started a new blog, a foodie blog for my vegan recipes. i cant afford to print a cookbook yet, but i have over 200 of my own crafted recipes, yes ones not borrowed from anyone else. so far i have pictures and recipes for (all vegan) german chocolate cake, three tomato and fresh herb pizza, a artichoke asparagus and broccoli white pizza, roasted veggie pizza, grape tomato and kale pesto pizza, Louisville Slugger cookies, Blackman Bizkits, and a few more waiting to go up. I'm laying out the design now, ill let you know when i have a site name up so you can visit. email some suggestions. so far the suggestions are: Doorstop's Vegan Wonders, The Saucy Vegan, or using my symbol of the doorstop.

The Shoulder Piece

...the original sketch....
Images Below: Courtesy of Derek Hess, Jacob Bannon and of course, Chris Adamek of Immortal Ink NJ.





the irony of the piece makes me smirk everytime i think about it...























this sketch was worked out in early spring '08, with the original appointment in august. after things went topsy- turvy in vermont, Chris called out of the blue to reschedule. i couldnt have thought of a more awkward, yet perfect time to get this piece done.

(i took these myself, i apologize for the distortion, it is hard to take a picture of your own back)

Touch my muffins and DIE

i built a pastry megalopolis today. scones, muffins, danishes, bagels and biscuits dominated the glass display case in decadent and dangerously high towering layers of sweet treat delight. Nicos is bringing Godzilla for Saturday, conqueror of the downed delectables, eater of downed goods. SWC's philosophy may be "sleep is for the weak", but broken pastries were meant to be displayed in the toothy mouth of a Godzilla action figure.

eye doctor, gym, yoga, and grad school apps. more of that such tomorrow.

another day trail running.....

"do you know theres only so much you control, you can try to save my soul...."

...if you'd like, but I'm sure this time is no different.

but i know you wont. because weve made things different

just when i thought things were starting to make sense....

"...to anything but simplicity"

Headed intoPhilly after my interview to look for some tunes. found a whole lot of kick ass vinyl, a 1/16 of which I could afford to take home. right now i'm rocking out to Jawbreaker's Unfun, reminding me of a basement recording. Met up with Tylergates at Kingdom for some excellent food and conversation, hopefully making plans for a few hikes this year. then off to the church...

a recap on the FUC show. Foundation, Everyday Dollars, Verse, Have Heart, Killing Time.

this band made me do a little dance, sing a little song, so I most definately got down last night. Yet they did not play "Saying Goodbye". Tragic:

this band had a lackluster yet technically tight performance. Amazing as always, perfect sing alongs, just not as much sparkle in the eyes as I have seen in the past:this band. oh this band could have eaten me for breakfast and still be hungry for a second helping of smackdown, because they are"sick of all your faces and sick of all your lies":


so it was a good night. and my brother called me at 330am. to chat. for 30minutes. go bro. made plans for to see Rancid on the 10th of August and the Slackers (shut the hell up, i can pick-it-up, pick-it-up, pick-it-up better than the other 15 yo who will be in attendance...) on the 5th of September.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
today.
slept in. crazy huh? cleaned my room, hung valances, finally finished my chair and helped dad make cabinets. went to the outdoor air theater in Washingtons Crossing to see Oliver, had a picnic dinner and then went to Ritas. now its bedtime so that i can: ride, run, bike, yoga and drive to Red Bank to visit with the Gianullos. pumped.

Trail Days

it's been a long week. (Right: Mt. Tammany, NJ from Mt. Minisi, PA)
i should update earlier than this. probably when things are most fresh in my head.



but here are some pictures from my 4 hour trail run (yes, run) on the AT outside the water gap. i jumped on the trail after 5 hours taking the combined PPST. i needed some rough rocky trails to destroy myself on. i met 6 through hikers and instantly became jealous. its been hard getting back into shape, not after losing 25 pounds (again) but really just from forced inactivity after getting my tattoo. i've really wanted this one to heal well, and it has, but keeping from sweating has proved difficult.
Above and left: Hello, Lehigh smokestacks. Right: Rhododendron sp.
Below and center: According to my compass, Mnt. Mansfield is exactly that direction. the geodetic marker also helped....

my only wish was that someone was there with me to enjoy this afternoon. listening to the olive flycatchers and red eyed vireos (not to mention the longing call of the mourning dove) was peaceful and rewarding after such a stark morning.

No monument of tacky gold, everythings so easy for Pauline

i built a cabinet yesterday. painted and recovered my desk chair, potted Pauline the elephant ear plant, studied for the praxis I,II and GREs, made vegan pesto, went for a 25 mile bike ride, rode my horses and prayed that I get the jobs at YWCA and small world.

joe and eric are coming over for enchiladas tonight.
today: groceries, running, gym for some lifting (since i can actually move my arms and back now that they arent peeling, itchy tattoo grossness), buying new glasses, cooking, riding horses, studying chemistry and writing some grad school essays.

and i already have a headache.

dayscape

i studied photosynthesis, the Krebs cycle and cell structure for 5 hours today. stupid standardized PRAXIS. filled out a bunch of application info for grad school. rode my bike, rode my horse, gave my mom a riding lesson and can't wait to sweat a little. waiting for the skin on my back to heal, although its already almost done peeling and i got tattooed on sunday. heading down to Princeton tomorrow after visiting the doctor. hope my cell count was lower than last time, otherwise i get to have surgery to remove my cystic ovary. doesnt that sound like fun? turning in my application at the YMCA for thier head teacher position, visiting the art gallery and getting some organic sheets.

upset that i missed torche and boris play at the FUC, but i cant afford the gas.

pictures of the epic whitewater rafting, my 25 mile day hike starting at the Gap in PA, and tattoo to come.

might go to Baltimore to visit the bro this weekend (dad's idea, his money) and plan our 100 miler on the AT.

Have your parents ever caught you drinking?
oh yes. Ive been a total slosh hound since birth.



Do you love the last boy/girl you were talking to?
no. I don’t think the 6 year old Jack would reciprocate.




Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
is would implying want or will?




What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
feeding my horses



Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
my mom




Last restaurant you went to?
el taco loco




Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Helen buttemer at U Washington




Did you have an exciting last weekend?
YES. White water rafting at the Lehigh Gorge, plans for Grilling Time for Killing Time Philly 08, and getting tattooed for 4 hours




Have you ever crawled through a window?
this is when my size is essential



What do you spend most of your money on?
music, tattoos, and room decor



Where were you at 1AM sunday morning?
being an insomniac. Probably organizing my art supplies




Ever kissed someone over 30?
no.



Is there a secret you've never told your parents?
most definitely.



Do you like yourself?
I’m trying to. Its hard to have a whole lot of self-confidence right now




Have you ever dyed your hair?
no




Are you wearing a necklace?
not current.


Who is someone you wish you could fix things with?
hmph. A lot of people. Mark and Lauren, Bill, Kate, Sarah and Chris. I’m a horrible friend and sometimes feel I deserve to be alone



Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try again?
I’d like to fix: the past year. Last semester of my senior year. I’d like to relive: Canada 01. summer 05 and 06.



Are you an emotional person?
i didn’t really realize how much of an emotional person I am.



What's something that can always make you feel better?
ice cream (well soy/rice dessert now). A sincere hug. A phone call from a friend. Letters in the mail. The smell of my horses.



Did your parents spoil you as a child?
yes. and that's ok.



Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?
too many. I keep finding them all over the place.




How's your heart lately?
beating. Still in my chest. But broken, really fucking broken.



Are you a cuddler?
sometimes.


Will this weekend be a good one?
who knows. I have no plans.



What do you want right now?
a lot of things that aren’t worth mentioning.



Who can always cheer you up?
right now? No one except myself. I haven’t had very many friends knocking down the door to even attempt to cheer me up




Have you ever gone nude/streaked in public?
on a bike



Who hugged you last?
probably a 6 year old.

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
most definitely.



Are you a kissable person?
probably not. Its not something that anyone has told me.


Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
yeah!



What is your relationship status?
absent.




Who was the last person to come to your house?
my brother? We don’t have guests here…




Look behind you, what do you see?
green walls, and my window.




How many rooms does your house have?
too many. The echo at night with the wind. Reminds me of how lonely I am



Have you ever worked in a food place?
yes.



What would you name your future daughter?
I’m pretty sure this is the last thing im thinking about right now. Probably after my grandmother.



Who and where was the last concert you went to?
DOTO, Lewd Acts and Kingdom



Any summer plans for 2008?
find a job, get into one of the top 10 education grad programs in the country and try not to kill my parents or myself



What did you eat for lunch today?
a slurpee.



The last song you heard?





What do you think of love?
No love. No hope.




When is the last time you went to a party?
Saturday?




When is the next time you'll hit up a club?
hopefully soon. I miss dancing




Do you still talk to any of your ex's?
this is a joke right? I’d like to call him everyday. I miss my best friend. The other ones reappear now and then, but they could care less.




If you had to eat 1 thing for the rest of your life, what?

genre of food: Mexican, one thing: apples




Name 1 thing good about Myspace?
i get to waste time




Does anyone know your Myspace password?
no. its too long



Have you dated anyone on your top 4?
yes. Does that mean I should reorganize them?



How do you feel about abortions?
pro choice.




Do you eat junk food everyday?
no. today I did. I feel horrible too




Describe your bestfriend?
who? Yeah I don’t have one. Unless the one with four legs and a tail counts




Who was the last person to touch you?
my mom.



How late did you stay up last night and why?
who knows. I don’t sleep anymore.



What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
he’s my brother.



Do you like someone?
no.




Have you ever been hit by the opposite sex?
yes.




Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with an S?
Yes, Scott.



How's your life lately?
hard to lift my head up from the pillow




Do you know anyone that is currently locked up?
no.



Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
yes. A bit more than 2 and a half.



What do you think about the current gas prices?
blah.



Would you film a sex tape with you in it for 3 million dollars?..
why not

Have you ever been so drunk that you blacked out?
no



Do you think that you’re a good person?
i do.


Are you happier single or in a relationship?
*Sigh*

4th

i sat in the rain with my dad and my dog eating vegan peach and blackberry crisp bathed in the glow of a roaring fire while watching the PA fireworks jump over the Delaware Valley hillside.

what did you do for the fourth of july?

i cried for 2 hours this morning. it started off as a horrible day. rain, humidity, and my depression ran deep. cleaned stalls. went for an hour long run with the dog and pushed out a final 6 minute mile. i think i almost killed the dog, but he was wagging his tail the entire time.

went to yoga with Gianna. just one hour there completly cleanses my sorrow, erases the horrible images in my mind, loosens the tension in my body, and clears up my chronic headache. i leave and the day just has to keep moving. must keep moving. if i stop the whole world crashes. that's fucking inertia for you.

picked up some fixings for the bbq with dad. went to home depot to pick out paint for my fixtures and chair. now im off to ride my horse and clip them.

mom called from VA. Rodney wants us to buy Livewire LP for a spec horse.

i want to be on a mountain. in my tent.

i towed jehovah in microheels to carousel

welcome back? there is so much i could get into right now with my life and its awkward progression through uncertainty and misery, but instead i can just write about my day....

i woke up around 5 and stayed in my bed until around 6 or so, until i went downstairs to suck down about 3 small cups of coffee, take care of the horses and then get ready for my interview. i wore the peruvian skirt and a 3/4 sleeved shirt with some micro heels, not a real interview like outfit. but please, its the YWCA. i got there about 40 minutes early, so i hit up small world coffee and had another cup of coffee since the record shop wasnt open yet. i walked back to Paul Robeson Pl to the YWCA and met up with Tara for the interview. i was still too dressed up considering she was wearing capris, nikes, and a t shirt. we talked alot about teaching, techniques and the program. im really pumped with the way the interview with and i am excited to start working with student again. i get a second interview on tuesday. the only huge problem is that i have to be contracted from September to June, a one year contract. ive put so much work into researching grad schools, and i was really set on applying to U Washington for the October 10 deadline, January 09 start date. otherwise i have to wait until august again, and yet another year passes in a small town, alone. im stuck in this huge predicament because i dont know if my transcripts will be accepted for endorsement at UW or if i have met all the requirements to even apply. hardly anyone works during the summer, so contacting people is a brute. here i am thinking about all of this crap amoung other things....) on my way over to the Princeton Record Exchange. nothing like looking in a record shop to kill some time, clear your mind, and spend money you dont have...

im not quite sure when my attitude about music changed, maybe it had to do with the countless hours i spent at Ameoba when i was living in CA, but i am slowly transfering all of my CDs to LPs. i picked up a Bauhaus original in a white pressing, Converge's Petitioning the Empty Skies (although I really wanted to find a Jane Doe...) in the tie-dyed double pressing, along with a few other things. i'm not sure if i looked out of place in my skirt and heels, or if i fit in with my visible tattoo and Bukowski bag. after checking out i made it about halfway down the street when one of the guys at the store came running up behind me. i turned around half-dreading that he was going to tell me that he undercharged me or something. but this is what he said... " I'm sorry miss, i dont normally run after people on the streets, but i just had to tell you that you are so very beautiful."
obviously, i was completely floored by this statement. dont think that im trying to be humble for anyones sake, but i cant remember the last time anyone told me i was beautiful. ive heard the, " you look really nice, you're cute/pretty/remind me of my sister/girlfriend" but beautiful? no. so i stuck out my hand, said "my name is jen", he introduced himself, and i said, "i think you've just made my day." his reply was "it's not too often that i get to say that, but you're welcome."
i left at that, with a somewhat lighter step and a bit of a smirk on my face.

met my dad for a late lunch in flemington, yay sushi. bought some stuff to redecorate my room (another blog entry, believe me) met a guy who lost 250 pounds at the fabric store and we talked about capoiera.
then immortal called. my appointment got changed from august 22 to sunday july 8th. this sunday. im so amped to bleed and feel a bit of pain, this piece is going to be so rewarding.
ill post pictures when its all slimy and bloody. if i can. how do you take pictures of the back of your arm, shoulder and back? come to think of it it will be a bitch to clean. fuck. the last of my money goes to my tattoo, and i dont have any jobs lined up despite the 60 applications.

went to see Carousel in the Washington Crossing Outdoor Amphitheatre. i was carrie pipperedge when we hosted the same play in 7th grade. all of my memories (god i still remember the lines and the songs) came flooding back.

today was a better day. i only cried once. twice if you count the no-see-um in my eye at the play.

"Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Though your dreams be tossed and blown."

CSU rejected me. this is the first time that I havent gotten what I have wanted when it comes to academics. maybe its a sign...

is journaling good for me? i havent sat down to write a blog in a bit of time, and I think that i would like to get back to it. maybe a way to unwind after having 100+ kids arrive in camp today. i probably wont say much tonight because i still have to do my yoga session. ive been so tired lately that my morning routine of the hour of yoga is usually compressed into 15 minutes of sun salutations instead. i am a bit stiff, and it is scarey to see how much flexibility you really loose in just a week or so.

Waiting on packages, my ear tapers should be arriving tomorrow along with a few items i purchased for my trip up to vermont. im so excited, ive even began to pack up a bag to take with me. my favorite city awaits, along with Chris. the anticipation grows!

off to do some yoga and try to rest up for a day of snorkeling.

Visitors

both my mom and my grandmother are here visiting me at CIMI. Three generations of wonderful women. we went for a fabulous kayak, saw about 16 seals. went for a hike with Pebbles, swam in the ocean, sunned ourselves on the beach and then had a fabulous dinner.

i love and miss my family.

a new free verse poem

::The Art of Living a Transient Life::
--For Stephen James

The only thing sparkling
in the empty kitchen
were the thin tendrils of webbing
left clinging to the windowsill:
forgotten.
(The tiny inhabitant
long ago vacated the residence
in favor of the dark moisture
of the bread drawer.)
I watched the hairlike microfibers
writhe and shine
As my brother stepped into the kitchen from the garage,
stumbling as he opened the paneled door while
balancing two unfilled boxes in his hairless arms.
My hands crumpled the yellowing newspaper,
(to form lumps,
aimed to nestle between
the blue and gold Lenox gravy boat
and the white Mikasa serving platter)
as the spider emerged from his shaded abode.
Spider: the master of detail:
Who, only by moving can balance,
so carefully on a shivering matrix.
Spider:
Is it hard to build a house out of confusion,
as everyday you wait for the ceiling to collapse?
Your agility kept you suspended
while the world intruded
upon your delicately spun world:
(center of the arachnid universe).
It must be hard to suspend yourself laterally
when all the world is vertical.
Spider can I ask you one question?
How do you prepare yourself for a fall?